*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
this is so top tier i cant
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do