Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.