Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Tastes like chicken.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.