‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church