One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.