*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am