Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
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There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Mouse
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.