“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth