Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Breaking news:
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.