Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
They did not think through this water fountain
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?