I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Just a friendly reminder!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.