*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
It’s the weekend y’all
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.