[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Passwords are more important than ever.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”