Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
not to brag, but mine was free
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.