I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Lol.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus