I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.