6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
S/o to @funTweeters .
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.