My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
he looks great for his age
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Mornin
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.