[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”