“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
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I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’