SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
absolute chaos
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
marvel comics have peaked
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔