They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
i love modern commerce
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you