to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park