Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
This is my favorite one of these!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling