DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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They’re the worst 😩
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
our love story in four pictures
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer