BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Breaking news:
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.