Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[eats all your cotton candy]
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??