*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
You Might Also Like
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot