If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end