brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
People buying plungers never look happy.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be