If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
relationship goals
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika