Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
this is me
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.