My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
That was easy.
incredible book dedication
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.