I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish