When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
😂😂
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
how to have fun when you’re poor
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”