I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out