[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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Siri, fight Alexa.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?