After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Whisper out to librarians!
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣