Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable