Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.