Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Today’s Times
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?