since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore