Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
You Might Also Like
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Had to try this trend 😊
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.