origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
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Yup
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]