Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.