“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes