“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
@funTweeters
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now