if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period