has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Still cracks me up
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.