[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?